The Financial Debunker

Mothers are Divine

 

​

I had 4 siblings. Yet, all were stillborns or naturally aborted. Mother had to lay on the bed for months - absolutely unperturbed to ensure my birth was a success due to her slightly displaced odd shaped vassal. Chinese Metaphysics strongly inclined that all my siblings natural demise were due to my strong Eating God nature (the most accurate version, I am an Eating God turned Qisha. I will not divulge on what is an Eating God and how it's metaphysical manifestation will impact my own kin.) and an empty sibling palace (according to Purple Star Astrology) in my astrological chart (if one chooses to believe in superstition). 

 

Giving birth to me was a nightmare and it continues as I had strong colic (the Chinese believes that such babies had huge karmic debt wanting to be claimed by many entities.) for months. One of Mother's arm had an on/off permanent pain due to the fact I once cried for eight hours straight. So she had to pamper me on her shoulder for that long.

 

Despite I am an unfriendly child, Mother had always been in my mind, heart and soul. My mind was designed to search for her every half an hour. Failure in search of her, I would weep. Among the cousins, I was the most "cry baby" of all. Attempts were made by extended family members to divert my concentration span towards her as I grew older. I could be diverted from Mother only as long as half an hour and the repetitive lines of "Where is my mummy?" will play over and over towards all the family members until one gave up. Honestly, it annoyed all the family members and I was rebuked by grandfather as I could give my mother no rest. 

 

Being an imaginative kid watching Asian drama since I was small boost my weirdness even further. Once, I would sat on the sofa crying and father would asked "Why do you cry?". I would answer " I was imagining the sadness I have to go through if Mother was in fact happened to suffer an accident such as one in the drama.". Father went silent and my highly imaginative thoughts was shared with Mother. Mother caught me crying few times when having my fits of weirdness until one odd day she screamed at me "Crazy". 

 

So it stopped from that moment onwards when I was 7. My imagination of her going through any life threatening/defining ordeals just stops for 29 years until the day she broke the saddest part of her ordeal out of the blue. Her obsession to provide a happy Christmas and Chinese New Year made her delay in her medical check up. Her constant belief or denial that prayer can in fact create miracle is very unsounding that led her to the delay in bearing the bad news. Her blind faith towards the Almighty simply isn't fair relatively to the reward she deserved. 

 

I was wrong. I should have spent my time making countless predictions and analytics. I should have been picking up the senses rather than trusting her lies completely that she was in fact healthy and robust. She was healthy but Death himself could appear at the doorstep uninvited putting up a notice with an unknown delivery date. Only to made known nine months later. So keep a tab on your loved ones - always.

 

Restrictions had been made to reduce on her house chores which she was absolutely obsessed with. Nobody can win over her in an argument as she will insist that home cook food is best and her meticulous/ridiculous handling of the kitchen and house is far superior than her daughter-in-law. In other words, stay out of the kitchen. As she took her toll, she gave more leeway to her daughter-in-law. Yet, with her selective dietary options (opting out beef, pork and lamb since her younger days), it is a headache to prepare her protein based meals especially with her tendency of finding food to consume getting more challenging as her fondness of the food could only last for a single meal. Tries after tries were made. She understood that she needs eating but her disinterested triumphed over her. Obviously I would try my best for her as she had tried the best for me.

 

Mother always wanted the best for me even if she could not afford. That is why I have a complete set of Thundercat toys although father was a middle ranking staff working in a book company. 

 

When I was in kindergarten, I once complained of a headache. She asked me if studying three languages was too tasking. I took the opportunity and lied to her "Yes, it was very tasking to deal with three languages. Like you said, Mum - Our neighborhood auntie had her son in English Medium School (Sekolah Kebangsaan) and managed to obtain scholarship to pursue his PhD in Cambridge. So, the Chinese language is not very necessary.". She took the bait (though I think she knew I was faking) and I enjoyed dropping a language to study since kindergarten to high school. (Do I regret given the fact that China is now on the rise? Probably 2% relatively to the additional freedom I am willing to trade for.)

 

When I was the top student in my class during high school - she was motivated to have me as a medical doctor. I hesitated as Physicist creates WMD (well, the philosophy whether humanity needs constant saving or damning would be a subjective topic altogether.). She complied and took out a huge chunk of her savings for me to complete the study in the UK. However, being an immature brat, I quit half way and got married. Told her that the funds was more suitable to buy a house and settle with a house loan (since the property warlords will soon jack up the house prices - proven true anyway.).

 

Having a wedding was nightmare. There was none to be honest. I was a bad temper brat who would bulldoze what I wanted. Mother consented to the marriage and took my wife in as family. Decision that she will never regret as Suzanne (my wife) comply to all her childish/ high standard hygiene/ and extreme OCD demands. Even during mother's final moment, Suzanne would be there right beside her. I was not cut out with the politics set out in mother's family - the hurtful youth in me had the tendencies of burning bridges. Mother returned to Malaysia with me after being duped with financial promises by her own kin.

 

As I was coping with overly young marital stress - I neither study nor work. So she decided to boot me off again to the UK the next year - leveraging on familial ties to gather the additional cash for my studies.

 

Not failing her, despite the final result was a few miniscule points to be granted a First, I slipped/managed to obtain a PhD position as well as a contract to have the PhD paid - shooting two birds at the same time. I employ political strategy to obtain a PhD than base on my "proficiency in Physics" alone.

 

My first PhD viva was a nightmare, the examiners faulted me which was forbidden by technicality. In order to save shame, the viva was nullified. My conferment was delayed, Mother stood strongly beside me. Despite the arrogance of not submitting to the Almighty, she always lead me to the right path. Her faith in the Almighty was bizarre. I believe in the existence of G-d but had never like or trust my creator in many ways.

 

...When she is gone, nobody will advise me anymore. Her haunting silhouette provides the very pain I could never described. Yet, the part which I could never verbally admit is the fact that "this particular silhouette" is the one I am constantly seeking....

 

Bad luck after bad luck, my career neither went north or south, east or west. Though I constantly generate income due to my mediocre business acumen, my stress bloated up as I didn't become what I wanted to be. Mother could sense the impeding unspoken stress. Her comforting words was not met with my ambition. Hence, they fell on deaf ears. She knew I was unintentional but her helplessness is partially the cost that probably created the residual stress. Probably accelerated the whole process.  

 

I never once hated her but I was living in my cocoon - devising all sorts of tactics, strategies and the most unthinkable options to make my come back. The crucial part to ensure that those who is aligned with me will thrive and those non-aligned vanished. In the process, though I live under the same roof as her, I was struggling as a son that fail in my pursue for my happiness (in the name of her). I was just selfish. She was willing to overlook my failures whereas I was living below the standards I set on myself so high that I fail to look past it and left her behind.

 

I partially blame myself for her death. Perhaps if I was more attentive to all her immaterial/ ridiculous/ trivial needs - I could have prolonged her life longer. Though she and I shared the similar soul and mind, it is her who carved the strong suicidal tendency in me. Putting overly strong emphasis in life. Either be what you wanted to be or just perished. She knew I inherited her monstrosity which I gladly accepted it and allowed her mold to transform me. Her final days were begging cruel choices towards Suzanne and her medical doctors - requesting Euthanasia.

The kind part in her is that she never requested me to partake in such UnG-dly deeds. Knowingly that her request will push me into insanity. I knew days later after Suzanne broke down for the blame she received for not complying to her wishes by pressing the doctors further.

 

If I could turn back time, I would probably do medicine (I was the top student in Biology and Chemistry during high school. Physics is slightly the weakest among the three.) than Physics for my doctorate to save her. Though, I still may never save her.

 

Now, since she had passed, I am not interested to save anyone anymore. Perhaps this whole system that caused me so much pain and grief (including Mother's whether intentionally or otherwise) needs a correction (Constant changing of administration until the fittest of all come to rule is part of the correction. Destroying a G-dless money worshiping society such as China is part of the correction.). The last correction (personally) is to have one of my uncles (the ungrateful treacherous brat who had the audacity to betray the Wianos, his mother, his father and many more to satiate his own personal greed.) and his family to have an unending severe retribution of the highest order. It is time to implement the corrections.

 

 

The Final Kiss Into Oblivion

 

 

Her death took a big part of me. For all the meals she struggled to eat every three hours, I was there watching in silence, in complete defiance of the tears that may flow any time begging her to eat and drink. Yet her disinterest triumphed over her appetite up to the point she was not interested to have anything inside her mouth anymore. All I could do "is just watch" as she slowly withers minute by minute into oblivion. From a complete conscious human being in two weeks immediately reduced into completely unconsciousness - exactly two days before she passed. The excruciating pain for me (hers was sedated with the continuous increment injection of morphine) is unbearable. The hope for her survival turned into hope that she would have a swift comfortable time before her passing.

 

I was there. I witness her descent. A kiss on her forehead before she passed the next day. She took all her effort to open her very eyes. Due to Covid-19, hospital restrictions plus a kid to care for, my turn was passed to Suzanne to care for another 12 hours until she was medically examined to be completely devoid of any signs of life.

 

The final time she took a note of me was when I kissed her forehead. From that moment, she had hers closed back and slowly went into her eternal sleep. She took all the effort to have me born and raised. I took all the effort to prevent her death but failed. She witnessed my birth and is only fair if I could witness her death. Sometimes, I always wish it would be otherwise. For the limitations of men is to have no say in life and death. 

 

There were many instances which I would wanted to share this site of mine with her. I never got a chance to (she could be overbearing with millions of opinions or I had to make lengthy explanations and arguments which I am pretty exhausted sometimes.).

 

It takes 15 days to write one up. 4th Novermber 2020 will always be a date I have in memory. Perhaps the only thing I could provide her best is to write the most deserving Eulogy in this very site of mine. Reliving the poetic lines of Shakespeare.

...So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, So long lives this (Carl and The Financial Debunker), and this gives life to thee....

​

​

​